Weekend Open Thread

My buddy Dwayne treated me to seeing Alice in Wonderland this week. 3D and everything. The 3D was not very impressive (not after Avatar) but I really liked the movie.

By the written agreement, he doesn’t have to be there. Visitation is:

Every Tuesday and Friday with Draco, for 3 hours
Every other weekend with Jake
Two weeks a year with Jake

Sometimes I just luck out and he’ll be out there so I can say hello and maybe hug him.

The thinking at the time was that Draco needed substantial one-on-one time (he was only 2, and autistic), and, because of an austic child’s strong needs for routine, we deemed him unready for overnights on weekends. So we worked it out that they’d be separate. We seemed to be on a good positive relationship path that I just trusted we could do better a few months or a year or so down the road.

Until the day the divorce agreement was put into effect. Then, it became the hammer: “that’s not in the agreement” was the war cry for just about everything. Although there was some flexibility with the visitation schedule if I was working, and occasionally efforts to meet in a public place with the kids during visitation.

There seems to be a persistent mentality that in order to punish me for my transgressions the court severely curtailed my visitation. Nothing like that happened, and the court wouldn’t have done anything like it because the situation didn’t warrant it.

All I’ve been consistently asking for is two evenings a week for three or four hours with both kids, and every other weekend with both kids, and a little more time when the kids are on school vacation. Mrs. Wonderful’s insistence is that weekly visits be cut to only one night a week, although in her last motion (which was, unsurprisingly, thrown out) she attempted to get visitation cut to one day a month. And she might accommodate phone contact at one day a week, if I agree to a cut in weekly visitation.

There’s simply no question what’s going on here: an absolute attempt to utterly minimize my presence in the children’s lives, under the theory that she is “harassed” by my presence, even though at this point I do everything I can to utterly minimize any contact with her or Mr. Wonderful. I try not to go over there alone when I pick them up–it scares the crap out of me any time I have to be there alone, so I try to stay in my car when I do, turn the radio on so snippy commentary is unheard, and so on. It’s brutal.

In our very first meeting, instead of introducing himself, Mr. Wonderful accosted me privately (he was waiting outside the door for me, so we were alone), and instead of introducing himself as anything other than “Just John for now” he accused me of stealing one of my son’s video games, when I expressed flabbergastion he informed me that he was going to bond with my children whether I liked it or not and said I was lying when I said I hadn’t stole the video game. I offered him my name and phone number so we could get to know each other and said “why would I want your phone number?” (Uh, because you’re hanging out with my children!?!) and then, after Jake came out to see me, he grabbed his new(?) girlfriend and when I said, weakly, “You make a nice couple” (we were still technically married and I was trying to be nice) he bellowed WHAT DID YOU SAY? and followed me and Jake as we moved toward the car, bellowing that if I had anything to say I should say it to his face. All in front of Jake. I repeated that they made a nice couple and said to take it as a compliment and got the hell out of there as quickly as I could.

Not long after, in one of Mr Wonderful’s very first contacts with me, back during the year and a half where I was not allowed to know his name, he deemed it very important to tell me that he was named after his grandfather, whose nickname was “the Bully of Cherry Street” because he once personally beat the living shit out of three men for supposedly insulting his wife. And he wanted me to know that he considered his grandfather a hero and wanted me to know that that legacy was who he, Mr. Wonderful, was as a person. I got that in a wonderful little email.

I have seen more psychotic divorce-custody situations, but not many.

Any time I’ve gotten angry or frustrated, that’s proof that I’m evil. Any time I’ve been silent, that’s proof that I’m not a real father involved in their lives. Any time I try being friendly, that’s proof I’m up to something sinister. It is, literally, the case that I can do absolutely _nothing_ that is not spun in the most evil and malign way.

The fact that I’m not willing to be silent anymore? Also still more proof of my evil, evil, dangerous wickedness and status as not the children’s true father.

As I’ve mentioned, I’ve tried sitting down with these people. First time, Mr. Wonderful agreed to a meeting but then refused to get out of his car and come talk to me (Kevin D. was there). Second time, Mr. Wonderful started sending me mocking and sarcastic emails, demanding to meet me right during a time when I had just gotten Jake for a visit, and mocked me and accused me of being afraid to talk to him when I explained that I wanted to spend my time that week concentrating on Jake but could think about talking to him afterward. Third time, they agreed to a sit down meeting when I said I was getting sick of his anonymity and I wanted to know who this man was who had been so belligerent to me and was spending so much time with my kids–and when I got there, they once again refused to tell me who he was, so I said the conversation was over, I wasn’t talking to an anonymous person hanging out with my children, and got up and slowly and calmly walked away, giving them ample opportunity to call me back. Fourth time, they actually agreed to a sit-down, but Mrs. Wonderful told me she was very tired and busy and might want to reschedule, called me just before we were supposed to get together and sounded exhausted, so I asked if she wanted to reschedule and she said yes—and then when I didn’t hear back, a few days later I was accused of “blowing them off.”

It is genuinely psychotic.

Oh, the reason for the anonymity? The best reason I was given by Mrs. Wonderful is that she was “protecting” his mother from my violent ways (he still lives with his mom, last I heard). Talk about insulting? It’s appalling. Like I care about his mother.

Real reason turns out she was hiding his violent record all along.

I can’t do much here because the legal language is a stranglehold. First attempt at a modification failed because I was inadequately prepared and she brought a lawyer and I had none. So, we prepare for another battle in court, because some people apparently can’t act like adults and put the kids first. I’m not a “real father” you see, because I (A) don’t make enough money, and (B) I’m not actually there to take care of them, never mind that I’m not allowed to be and am rebuffed at every opportunity when I try.

The offer to sit down with mediators, or with a family counselor, so some sort of positive working relationship with the children can be hammered out, has been standing and on the table for two years. It’s still there. But I’ve given up much hope; the campaign of demonization and marginalization has been intense, and incredibly painful. Made all the moreso by the fact that I have no family in this state, and most of my friends are scattered across the country. It has been an incredibly dark and lonely journey.

So anyway, I didn’t luck out yesterday: Jake didn’t happen to come out.

Fortunately the kid is 100% different when he’s with me. Which is also common in situations where one parent is provoking alienation. So of course he won’t come out: he knows his mother and his new “Daddy” don’t really want him to (i.e. they “support” him when he says he “doesn’t feel like it.”).

The only fix for it is more contact. Which is the one thing they are desperate to prevent at all costs.